preserving my favorite parts of me

the brain creates noise to fill in silence. my room does something like this, late at night when everyone else is sleeping, i can hear the noise. it’s like a million fingernails being dragged across a desktop. i can only hear it for a moment, before a car drives by outside, or a cat jumps down onto the wooden floor and scratches at something.

there’s only so much time in the morning, i stretch every muscle i can think of in my body and i only brush my teeth right before i have to leave. she walks across the gravel of my front yard and through the front door, she pets the dog and pets the cat and comes into my room. she wears flats and her hair is pulled back.

she says

are you ready?

i am ready

just before leaving i crouch down and look at an ant that’s making its way across the floor. i use my fingers to block its path but it crawls up to them and feels around at me with his antennas.

i use the pad of my thumb to crush it’s exoskeleton and then the rest of his body. one of its legs moves on its own and the rest of it is flattened out completely.

she says

that’s so gross

my face is relaxed and i shrug at her.

i feel nothing for the ant and i feel nothing for her, the world is on mute and i move through it as if i’m on a moving sidewalk. i see things and people see me and people do things to me and they interact with me and i make them feel happy.

the floor creaks, it creaks hard like thunder. thunder that can break the dust particles in the air. i feel like i’m on a small boat, the way my bed slowly rocks.

where ants are crushed under my foot, more crawl up through the newly formed cracks in the floor. a towel is used to block the gap under my bedroom door and as i walk back to bed, the ants pool higher and higher, i look down and my feet are covered by the black teeming pool that used to be blonde wood.

i lay in bed, and the ants cover me, cover me like a blanket. they cover me like they’re trying to protect me from something. they keep me warm.

the ants burrow in, boring holes deep into my body. they drown in my blood and where the dead float out of me and onto the white sheets, hundreds of others take its place. they eat at my skin, destroying thousands of dollars worth of tattoos but it what i want for them.

they carve holes into my bones and they make their way into my heart and it beats and ants flow through my veins. they crawl in and out of my mouth, cutting holes in my cheeks and eating my tongue and in an assembly line, they carry my teeth away. they crawl down my throat and through my sinuses and out my nose.

they eat my eyes out completely and make their way into my brain and squeeze themselves through the crevices and they experience memories that i never shared with anyone. i want this for them.

i cry but ants come out of my tear ducts.

was i really just a bad person that entire time? was me being wholesome and good just a story i told myself and everyone else?

the ants stop moving, all together, in unison.

then do i realize how loud they really are

they stop for a few seconds, then continue working. slowly decomposing my body, and breaking me down into nothing.

my jaw is sore from smiling.

my chest feels so light, and so heavy.